


Trial by Congress

by savvyliterate



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 22:32:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvyliterate/pseuds/savvyliterate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here he was. Sentenced to Trial by Congress -- forced to either have sexual intercourse with a stranger or be castrated because he happened to get the unlucky father with a bent for violence punishment. Then there was facing River, and that would be worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trial by Congress

**Author's Note:**

> For the Doctor, this takes place well after "The Angels Take Manhattan." For River, Amy, and Rory, it's well before that. And I am amazed that I kept this to a T rating given the subject matter ...

They were at Tesco getting groceries when the psychic paper shoved in the back pocket of River’s jeans began to burn. Pulling out with the same casual ease anyone else did with their mobile, she flicked it open and promptly raised an eyebrow.

“Is it the Doctor?” Amy asked as she studied two tomatoes, trying to decide which one was less bruised.

“ _This_ is interesting.”

Tomatoes forgotten, Amy peered over River’s shoulder. “‘Help, I’ve been sentenced to a Trial by Congress. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 1517 Paris.’ Well, all caps. Maybe we should go.”

“Oh, he’s fine.” With a smirk, River tucked the psychic paper away. 

“But, the Doctor’s in prison?”

“And he can suffer just a bit, Mother.” River linked arms with Amy. “Now, how about that lasagna?”

Amy narrowed her eyes. “This is post-Area 52 for you, right?”

“Yes, the Doctor and I have been married for quite a long time.”

“You’re not the least bit worried?”

“Oh, Mother, Mother, Mother. Let’s go home, and I’ll tell you what a Trial by Congress is.”

\-----

Amy spent 10 minutes laughing. She fell off the chair at one point and kept going while Rory winced at the history books River showed them. “They really did this?” he asked as Amy wiped the tears away and draped herself over the sofa arm as she struggled to catch her breath.

“Oh, yes. At one point, impotence courts were the fashionable thing among the French aristocracy.” River sat back with her mug and covered her own smirk with a conveniently timed sip of coffee. “My guess is that the Doctor somehow managed to get himself accidentally engaged or married. Again. Given that he’s begging for my help, it’s mostly likely post-Area 52 for him as well. So, he either told the truth about our marriage or simply tried to run. One thing led to another, and now he must prove that he’s a man before he’s allowed out of jail. Has to be in jail otherwise, he’d just run.”

“How does he prove he’s a man?” Rory asked.

“Well. First of all, he has to undergo a detailed examination to ensure that certain parts of his anatomy are in functioning order.”

Amy dissolved into another fit of laughter.

“Should that fail, and knowing the Doctor he most likely was clinging to a pole and refused to let anyone get his kit off, he has to face a Trial by Congress. In other words, have public sex. The Church would be sitting behind a screen, and midwives would be avidly watching the entertainment as he performed. Provided the Church is satisfied with his performance, he is freed but bound to the marriage.”

Rory swallowed. “And if not?”

“Well … let’s hope he has an escape route.” 

“So, you’re going to rescue him, right?”

“Mother! Are you implying I’m going to hop back to medieval France just to laugh at my husband?” River smiled, a truly evil one that had the ability to make armies turn tail and run. “Want to come?”

“Yes!” Amy immediately replied before Rory could say otherwise. He merely placed his head in his hands and wondered which was the biggest threat to the Doctor -- the impotence court or River and Amy.

\-----

It was all just a mistake. A big, gigantic, one whopping huge mistake. Really, he should have been paying more attention when he slipped into the church and was studying the impressive frescoes. He shouldn’t have answered “yes, yes” when he heard a question directed at him. Who knew they were _wedding_ vows? He’d once teased Pond about doing the same thing during Henry VIII’s wedding, but … fine, when the shoe was on the other foot, it didn’t fit so well.

Of course he tried the “I’m married” line. Happened to be the oldest excuse in the universe, but in this case it was absolutely, completely 100% true. He was married and quite happily given the circumstances. He lacked for nothing with his wife except the constant ache of not having her there all the time, but it was the sacrifice they made for it to work. The bride’s angry father demanded to know if he was impotent, and while the Doctor was sputtering, they tried to yank his trousers off to inspect that certain parts were in functioning order. Which they _were_ , but it was none of their business. Then his sonic had fallen out of his coat pocket and they’d taken that and well … here he was. Sentenced to Trial by Congress -- forced to either have sexual intercourse with a stranger or be castrated because he happened to get the unlucky father with a bent for violence punishment. Then there was facing River, and that would be worse. 

He was shoved under the blankets without ceremony. With great trepidation, he lifted his gaze to face the young woman he was going to have to really fast-talk out of this entire mess … and found himself looking into the merry eyes of his wife. “Hello, sweetie,” she purred.

“River,” he hissed, and he grabbed her in a fierce hug. “You’re here. You got my message.” He looked down. “You’re very naked.”

“It was only the third thing you noticed, so you’re definitely post-Area 52.” River tugged the covers higher. 

“Where’s the original bride? I didn’t mean this, you know it was an accident, dear.”

“Yes, as were the last six wedding ceremonies and nine engagements. You know I’m not a jealous woman, sweetie.”

He winged an eyebrow. “Not even a little?”

She merely smiled. “I know who you prove your virility with.”

“Doctor Song,” he murmured, taking a guess and was relieved when she merely leaned in and kissed him. Not Professor. Not post-Manhattan for her. His hands slid around her waist as he returned the kiss. It was hot and stuffy under the mound of blankets. The sheer curtains surrounding the bed only provided the bare minimum of privacy, which meant they could easily spot River if they appeared above them. All those glorious curls. “Well, my bad girl, how are we getting out of this mess?”

“Amy and Rory are getting your sonic back. The poor girl … well, this was her fifth marriage, and she’s dreadfully tired seeing her father have poor innocent men castrated. She’s on her way to a convent as we speak and is thrilled.”

“Amy and Rory are here?” Unexpected giddiness filled him at this sudden gift of seeing his Ponds … then he gulped. “Wait, why did you bring them?”

“I was in a Tesco with Mum when I got your message. She insisted on coming.”

“Did you tell Amy what this was?”

River beamed.

The Doctor started to wonder if castration really was the better option.

“The TARDIS is right outside the house. Once they get the sonic back, they’ll signal me from the TARDIS.” River slid her hand under the pillow and pulled out her vortex manipulator. “But for now, we’ve got to convince them we’re trying to have sex so they won’t be suspicious and go looking for the real bride.”

He heard the questioning murmurs about his clothes still being on and quickly toed off his boots. They landed with a loud clatter outside the bed. “We can’t do this here,” he whispered furiously, his cheeks as red as Amy’s hair, he was sure. “There’s an audience.”

“Which was the whole point of these. Life was dreadfully dull for voyeurs before the Internet. Then again, it adds a different layer to it. It’s one thing to pull up a porn site or titter at celebrities using TMZ. But actually sitting near your pillow while watching two people fail to have sex? Oh, that’s quite naughty.” She reached for his trousers. “Sweetie, take off your clothes.”

“Won’t we need them when we run away?”

“Not for long,” she said cheekily and unbuttoned them. “Make it look convincing. Pretend we’re in our room.”

He blushed, but worked his way out of his clothes and dropped them outside the blankets. He kept the bow tie. 

“It’s the one from Area 52,” he told her, wrapping it around his hand for safekeeping.

“Sentimental idiot,” she said with a smile and moved in to kiss him again. They nestled together as the observers murmured and graded the speed of their progress. Which it wasn’t progressing toward anything, but it was nice to lie here and hold his wife. She smelled wonderful, and her body -- all lush and curves -- fit his so very well. He tuned out the observers and focused on the steady beat of their hearts.

And if his hand happened to find its way between her legs on its own … well, she wasn’t complaining. Instead, she made the most delightful noises that garnered murmurs of approval from their observers. He had a feeling she was enjoying this a little _too_ much, a fact confirmed by the gentle touch of his fingers. He teased and tickled, and his hearts swelled when she suddenly stiffened and let out a cry that greatly pleased their observers. 

“My bad, bad girl,” he murmured when she settled against him again. “This turns you on.”

“Just a bit,” she admitted, cheeks flushed.

He was almost, _almost_ willing to give the entire act a shot when the vortex manipulator beeped. “Sorry, fellas, show’s over,” River announced as she grabbed the manipulator with one hand and the Doctor’s arm with the other before he could grab the blankets. They were back in the TARDIS and -- thank heavens -- in their bedroom before he could even blink. Then River tossed the vortex manipulator aside and … well … he proved there was absolutely nothing wrong with his virility. 

\-----

“Would you stop it, Pond, that was rude!” The Doctor groused as Amy kept smirking at him.

“You know, I really didn’t appreciate hearing what you were doing to my daughter as we stole the sonic back,” Rory grumbled.

“Oh, Daddy dear, that wasn’t even half of it,” River said as she adjusted a monitor.

“I didn’t need to know that either!”

“I am just amused that you managed to get yourself sentenced to having sex or die.”

“Castrated, Pond, two entirely different things!”

“Not in my book,” Rory muttered, and the Doctor had to agree.

“Well, as a thank you, I’m taking you all out for dinner. Sushi on Nextra Carpatha!” The Doctor sailed over to the door as River checked the monitor. 

“Sweetie, I think you better-”

He yanked open the door to see a furious Elizabeth I standing in her dressing gown awaiting him, sword in hand. He immediately slammed it shut. “Or maybe we should just go home.”


End file.
